Weight Loss Day #1... AGAIN!

I am an extreme type of person.  It took me until middle adulthood to realize this.  When I clean, I cannot relax until every nook and cranny is clean to my standards.  But when cleaning gets away from me... it REALLY gets away from me.  Even in my car I noticed that the heater or AC is either all the way up or completely off.  And when I diet and exercise I do so to the extreme as well.  I guess you could say, when I'm on I'm on... but when I'm not; I'm definitely not. 

Once I began to realize this, of course, I began to focus on finding a happy medium in everything that I could.  I hate to admit that I fail in more aspects than anything else; but I continue to try. I am hoping that realizing the fact is half the battle....

I have been in a slump all summer.  Last year from about August thru April I lost about 85 pounds by exercising almost daily (including training for my first half marathon) and by keeping my calories at around 1500 per day.  These calories were also the most nutritious calories my poor neglected body has consistently ever seen.  As a self proclaimed sugar addict I was so proud that for the first time in a LONG time I could turn away a cookie or chocolate bar when faced with the temptation; which is usually NOT an easy task for me. Normally when I know there is a candy bar in my drawer I literally cannot think of anything but that candy bar until I finally eat it.  Its almost as if the Candy Bar grows a voice and calls out to me.  So turning away sugar of any kind is a HUGE feat for me; yet I was doing it... for months on end!  But again... that was when I was "on". 

Remembering back, I recall how easy it is when I'm "on" to preach to people how there is "no big secret to weight loss" when someone noticed I was slimming down.  "Its just exercise and eating right," I simply stated.  "Its putting your mind to it and doing it." And IT IS indeed.  Once again... when I'm "on".

Because when I'm off... (sigh) I cannot seem to get a grip again.  I question over and over again "What is wrong with me?"  Every single day I wake up and tell myself that "today I will do better; even if its by a slight mark," and here it is 9:30 am and I've been sneaking into the kids' Halloween candy all morning while I try to get motivated to get on my treadmill.  "Just one more," I tell myself.

I also tell myself that if I would just begin doing it again that in a few weeks I will feel better.  I will not be so tired and lethargic; and may even get back to being able to turn away the bad foods. 

Mind over matter.  Right? However; the mind is a powerful, powerful tool that can be used either "for" or "against".  In this case my mind is working against me. 

Its not an excuse... It started out when my daughter graduated last spring. Organizing the graduation activities took a toll on my exercise and food planning time.  The first casualty on the list was my exercise routine. 

Over the course of a busy summer moving my mom (twice) and our cross country road/camping trip for 3 weeks my hard work and good habits began to reverse even more.  Trips to the gym became less and less frequent and I stopped counting calories... because hey!  Why bother if I'm not going to make it to the gym?  (Again my extreme thinking). Its all interconnected when you are an extreme personality.  Like Dominoes.  When one falls they all fall.

For a few weeks in September I was getting back on track.  I even was back to running 3 miles everyday.  But then I hurt my back cleaning my house; simply bending wrong.  I was couch ridden literally for almost a month. It couldn't have happened at a worse time; when I was teetering on the brink of breaking/making habits again....

So here I am...November 14th.  Trying to once again talk myself into going to the gym or at least getting back on my treadmill.  I have the cold and snow working against me because I like to run outdoors. I am battling letting that alone beat me right now.   I feel like crying because I have gained 20 pounds back; and feel like crap, literally.  And worse.  I can't seem to dig deep and find my motivation despite a wedding and class reunion I have in less than 9 months from now.  It feels like its never been this bad; but feelings can be deceiving because I am sure it has...

Even my house suffers because I'm depressed about it.  My kids suffer because I don't want to spend time thinking about food so they get quickly put together meals like macaroni and cheese for dinner. (I also have little energy to go out and play with them.) My social life suffers because I don't want to leave my house in fear that someone I know will see me.  I gauge people's reactions when they see me for the first time in a few weeks; and can almost hear their thoughts in my head by the expressions on their faces. 

If  you have ever had a weight problem you can relate to me.  I am disgusted with myself; yet I struggle daily, minute by minute to feel hopeful enough again to something about it.  It is a never ending battle that I feel helpless to ever win. 

Always thin while growing up I gained weight around 20 years old after going thru a series of extremely stressful events in my life.  Always able to eat what I wanted, and could literally exercise once and lose 5 pounds. I even had a baby at 18 and literally weighed 15 pounds LESS after having her than I was before my pregnancy. So when I gained 30 pounds literally overnight at 20 year old; I panicked.  Having zero experience with having to pay attention to food and exercising, I starved myself and of course lost it.  AND OF COURSE as soon I began eating again, I gained it back plus 10 pounds more.  Every time I lose weight I gain it back plus 10 pounds. Over the years my weight crept up and up before I finally figured out that I need to control my eating start to exercise; DUH!  This is my 3rd time losing a great amount of weight and the older I get; the harder it comes off.  I fear that if I wait much longer, I won't be able to get it off at all. 

As if it's not bad enough that I spent my entire adult life over weight...soon I will be forty.  The prime of my life is almost over and it was wasted away because of my fat and how I looked to other people.  I was too insecure about my body to really take chances.  I realize now that I have missed so much.  With the knowledge I have on weight loss now I wish I could go back and shake the 20 year old me. Tell her "IT ISN'T THAT HARD AT 20!  YOU STILL HAVE A HIGH METABOLISM!  MAKE A LIFE CHANGE NOW BEFORE ITS TOO LATE FOR YOU!"

I want to be thin not just because of how I look or how my children see me.  But because I want to quit wasting so much energy thinking about it.  I NEVER stop thinking about my weight.  Not EVER, do you understand?   Not for ONE SINGLE moment in an entire day no matter how focused I may become on a task... its always there; lingering like a shadow that does not go away when the sun goes behind a cloud.

So I am going to cry.  I am going to allow myself to feel sorry for myself for 15 more minutes.  Then I'm going to suck it up and get on my treadmill despite the fact that I don't want to because I have already shoved my mouth full of candy today and exercising after that feels pointless to me. 

I will let you know tomorrow how I did. 

PS.  The last time I checked I had gained 20 pounds back but I have been afraid to step back on the scale for a few weeks so it could be more.  It feels like more.  I am sickened by myself.